“Yea, baby, I carry a weapon in my pants, concealed. But I don’t need a discount for the heat I’m packin. That said, I’ll take 15% Off my pizza.”
The second I heard this story, I found the Discount Coupon and posted on Facebook. It was too shocking. I couldn’t process. So I turned it into a joke, as a coping mechanism.
Clearly I Have Problems
Obesity? Gun Violence? Pshaw! Those aren’t problems. Those are attributes. Those are things we hold-up. Those are things which underscore exceptionalism.
Buy, Eat, Shoot, Kill, Tune-In, Bow Head, Offer Thought, Offer Prayer. American Exceptionalism, At A Discount, Baby!
Facebook Friends are similar to the friends you had in the hallways of high school. Not friends, not really. They weren’t the friends you went out with, or the friends you smoked pot with, or the friends who fought to ride shotgun in the first car you smashed to bits when you jumped the hill on Linden Avenue, spinning for two blocks, ending-up in the trees, euphoric.
But even if they weren’t your “friends,” even if you hated high school, they made the hallways bearable.
Two of my Facebook Friends, Ellen & Ora, chimed-in after I posted the Discount Coupon. What follows is an exchange, in the hallway of perpetual high school, which is how I process Facebook.
Clearly I Have Problems
Ellen: Fuck yeah! And don’t forget to settle — for what you’re given, what you’re told. You’re on your own, and you can’t change things. Moreover, you shouldn’t want to change things. It upsets The Plan, which Your Betters know more than you. Trust them, because they share your values.
Me: Forget your so-called rights were given to you by slave-owning, women-hating men who pranced around with quills in powdered wigs. In other words, Drag Queens. Forget your so-called rights aren’t “God Given.” Forget the 2nd Amendment is an Amendment, and you can…wait for it…wait for it: Amend Amendments! Forget encouraging your customers to carry concealed by luring them with a 15% discount on pizza is deeply obnoxious, especially in light of the 6 & 7 year olds who were gunned-down at Sandy Hook. Forget, it’s what Americans do best.
Ora: Greg, is this in Chicago?
Me: All Around Pizza is located at at 3501 Holland Road in Virginia Beach. Drop by with your M16A2 if you like pizza topped with homicide. Otherwise, Ora, if you like yogurt sprinkled with the blood of children, grab your Glock 19 and visit The Farr’s Fresh, location at 4013 Riverdale Road, in Salt Lake. They’re offering a $1 Discount to anyone who brings in their Concealed Carry Permit. I can’t think of 2 establishment more dedicated to honoring the lessons of Sandy Hook.
As you can tell from the exchange, I’m not the most popular kid. But just like high school, I have a knack for collecting colorful “friends.”