How insecure are you? Do you need to feel better than someone else? Is your ability to love and give love so timid you need to shatter the dreams of people you don’t even know, but whose sexual preferences make you uncomfortable? Speaking of which, when did being uncomfortable make it okay to preach bigotry?
My loop must be loopy. My center must be wobbly. My arc must be crooked. Of course, the arc I’m talking about is the one described by Dr. King, who said, “The moral arc of the universe is long, but it bends toward Gay Marriage.”
The preachers in black churches are treating God like a homophobe. They’re trying to bend the moral arc in the opposite direction. So I called God.
This is what God had to say, “If you’re lucky enough to find someone you want to kiss, by all means, kiss that person. I prefer a little tongue. But I’ll leave it up to you, with free will and all that crap. As far as Marriage, let me be clear, there’s no such thing as White Marriage, there’s no such thing as Black Marriage, there’s no such thing as Inter-Racial Marriage, in the same vein, there’s no such thing as Straight Marriage and there’s no such thing as Gay Marriage. Now, there might be such a thing as Happy Marriage, but it’s like the Spotted Owl, delicious.”
God didn’t feel compelled to explain his appetite. Mostly, he didn’t like being portrayed as a homophobe. What about The Bible, I asked.
God said, “The Bible was written by men. In case you haven’t noticed, men get a lot wrong. Have you seen the second season of Californication? It’s awful. Who gives the main character everything he wants? It’s terrible writing, lazy and unimaginative. Which pretty much describes everyone today who’s working in the clergy. They all need to grow-up, get real jobs and spend 10-years with duct tape over their mouths. It’s embarrassing, what’s being said in my name.”
God was getting cranky. I didn’t want to push Him, with His propensity for unleashing plagues, like the 2nd Amendment.
“Listen,” God said, “but keep this hush-hush. I have nothing to do with church. I don’t go. I never went. As far as books, I only read technical manuals. Speaking of which, I can’t figure out how to use the apps for my iPhone 4S. It’s a pain-in-the-ass! I like my storytelling the way stories were meant to be told, by word of mouth, around the fire, with s’mores. Or Netflix. I think it’s sad how the very same group of people who longed for equality, who marched for equality, who gave their lives, just one generation later, are using my name, and a poorly written book, to justify insecurity.”