The Princess & The Frog

OPEN ON

GREG AND BETSY, DRESSED AS A DUKE AND KING, ON A RAFT FLOATING DOWN THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER

Betsy

Last night we saw an awesome movie.

Greg

Last night we were asked to dig a little deeper.

Betsy

Last night we learned to see fireflies like the north star, as a guiding light.

ON THE RAFT, DOING ALL THE WORK, DOING ALL THE ROWING AND STEERING, ARE A CARTOON VERSION OF BETSY AND GREG, AS NEGROS

Cartoon Betsy

I’m a Disney Nerd. I like chasing fireflies!

Greg

Less talking. More rowing. Last night we learned crockodiles like to play trumpet, so stop being scared of crockodiles. It’s a bad wrap. Good thing Disney has finally decided to get out of the pick on crockodiles game.

Betsy

So true. They get a bad wrap. Actually, I think he’s a Gator. Alligators live in swamps.

Cartoon Greg

It’s true! In The Rescuers, they’re left to be the Evil Henchmen. In Fantasia, they have to lift the Hippos. In Peter Pan, they have to eat Captain Hook. May cruelty to Gators and Crocs end with this movie! As you can tell, I’m a Disney Nerd, too.

Betsy

Less talking. More sandwich making. What happens when you’re a hustler who dreams of running the town of New Orleans? What happens when you’re a gator who dreams of playing jazz with humans. What happens when you’re a fireflie who falls in love with the north star?

Greg

What happens when you spend your whole life living for the dream of opening a restaurant? What happens when you spend your whole life living for the dream of marrying for money?

Cartoon Betsy

A dream is a wish your heart makes.

Cartoon Greg

You gotta dig a little deeper when the north shore winks at you. Sorry, I meant “north star,” not north shore. Freudian slip! When the north shore winks at you, it’s time to buy your wife a Lexus.

Greg

Stop picking on the north shore. You got a 1979 Pontiac Firebird when you turned 16. You had a tutor with a Winnebago who drove to your house and tutored you when it was time to take the SAT’s. Your parents were happy. Your dad made a mean Egg-In-The-Hole. You talk about “digging a little deeper.” But your complaining is too one-sided.

Betsy

Less psychoanalysis. More mustard on my sandwich. What happens when you work so hard to live your dream that life passes you by?

Greg

For easy money, you might kiss a frog. There’s no such thing as easy money. You’ve got to endure the swamp. You’ve got to endure the monsters.

Betsy

You’ve got to endure the nay-sayers. Endure the wrong ways.

Greg

Endure the servant who secretly hates you. Stand up! Serve yourself! Endure and find love. Make a ring out of nothing. Pledge your heart with reckless abandon to the north star: she’s there, she’s real, even when she seems too far away to be within reach.

Cartoon Betsy

You have to look into The Gumbo. You have to trust the magic. Sometimes, to make things come together, all you need is 2 drops of Tabasco.

Cartoon Greg

Unlike Snow White, who sat at a well, waiting, wishing for someone to come. Unlike Sleeping Beauty, who couldn’t wake up on her own. Unlike Ariel, who wanted to be someone else. Am I right? Ladies?

Cartoon Betsy

Not only are you right. Something seems to be happening…

A SWIRL OF FIREFLIES SURROUND THE RAFT

THE GLOW BECOMES SO BRIGHT

IT OVER POWERS EVERYTHING

SUDDENLY THE RAFT IS A YACHT

CARTOON GREG AND BETSY BECOME REAL

REAL GREG AND BETSY BECOME PUPPETS

DONALD TRUMP, BERNIE MADOFF AND CONAN O’BRIEN APPEAR

THEY ARE CARTOONS, NEGROS

Cartoon O’Brien

Why am I in this? What did I do?

Cartoon Trump

When you first got started, they called you “The Whitest White Man on TV.”

Cartoon Madoff

Payback is a bitch.

Cartoon O’Brien

Fuck you, Bernie. What do you know about payback?

Cartoon Trump

Cartoon characters don’t swear. Not in a Disney Movie.

Cartoon O’Brien

Fuck you, Donald. You’re fired!

CARTOON O’BRIEN TURNS ON A DUST BUSTER

HE SUCKS CARTOON TRUMP AND CARTOON MADOFF INTO THE DUST BUSTER

THE DUST BUSTER LOOKS MISERABLE

IT BURPS

GREG AND BETSY ARE BEHIND THE YACHT

ON TOP OF A WATER SKIING PYRAMID OF GIRLS IN BATHING CAPS

Betsy

The Prince is a well rounded character. Unlike The Prince in Cinderella or The Prince in Snow White, who are really just there to be pretty. Not that I have a problem with men being trophies.

Greg

The prince isn’t a good guy. He becomes a good guy. In the beginning, he’s mister handsome, mister charming. He’s slime…

Betsy

…not mucus. There is a difference. So what does our heroine learn? I mean, it takes her forever to get it. Even when The Prince gets it, and you can see it in his eyes. Even when Ray, the firefly, explains it, she still doesn’t get it. Even when her mom, voiced by Oprah, tells her…The most important thing is love. The most important thing is family. It makes the dream complete. It makes the dream real. Ray had the dream. Ray’s dream came true, even though it was tragic.

Greg

The Father, The Son and The Holy Bug.

Betsy

A bug’s gotta do what a bug’s gotta do.

Greg

Ray had the light from the beginning. Lighting everyone elses way but always keeping his eye on his heart and his true love in the sky, the north star: God. Our guiding light. Ray had God’s love before anyone else dared. He was the last one to stop singing because he had music in his heart.

Betsy

He got it and wanted the others to get it too.

Greg

Even if it meant getting stepped on to show others how to see the light in their life. The heroine learns it’s better to be hopping along with someone you love than running around in your dream, alone. Tell me, Betsy, the blind woman in the swamp who sees: what does she see?

Betsy

She sees what people need but she guides them to it. She doesn’t tell them.

Greg

She does give The Prince an earful. Doesn’t she?

Betsy

Yep, he needs the wake up call.

CARTOON O’BRIEN SUDDENLY HAS A PENCIL THIN MUSTACHE

HE TURNS THE YACHT SHARPLY RIGHT

THE PYRAMID OF WATER SKIERS COLLAPSES INTO THE WATER

Cartoon O’Brien

I love The Villan: he was part Jafar, part Captain Hook with a splash of spooky spirits from Fantasia; he had a pencil thin mustache. Never trust a man with a pencil thin mustache. I am The King of all Disney Nerds!

THE 2ND MATE APPEARS WITH A FLASHLIGHT UNDER HIS CHIN

2nd Mate

In the year 2000. In the year 2000!

CARTOON O’BRIEN TURNS THE YACHT SHARPLY LEFT

THE DUST BUSTER SLAMS INTO THE SIDE OF THE YACHT

AND BREAKS

DUST SPILLS OUT

A SWIRL OF FIREFLIES SURROUND THE DUST

BERNIE MADOFF AND DONALD TRUMP APPEAR

IN ORANGE JUMP SUITS

THEY THROW LIFE PRESERVERS TO ALL THE WATER SKIERS

THEN OVERPOWER CARTOON O’BRIEN

BY PELTING HIM WITH ENDLESS MONEY

FIREFLIES SWIRL INTO THE MONEY

IT BECOMES A GIANT TIDAL WAVE OF LIGHT

WHICH SWALLOWS EVERYTHING

PUPPET GREG AND PUPPET BETSY ARE SITTING AT THE BAR OF JOEY’S BRICKHOUSE

DONALD TRUMP AND BERNIE MADOFF ARE BEING ESCORTED AWAY

IN HANDCUFFS, LOOKING HAPPY TO FINALLY FACE JUSTICE

CONAN O’BRIEN IS BARTENDING

HE IS WEARING A DISNEY NERD T-SHIRT

HE TAKES OFF HIS PENCIL THIN MUSTACHE AND POURS PUPPET BETSY A BEAM AND COKE

HE KISSES PUPPET BETSY AND TURNS INTO THE WHITEST WHITE FROG

Puppet Greg

Kissing is magic!

Puppet Betsy

You know, a kiss fixes everything. Always: Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid, Beauty and The Beast. They are all saved by a kiss.

Puppet Greg

This movie is nerd love. This movie is hand drawn magic. Not slime…

Puppet Betsy

…but mucus. There is a difference.

Puppet Greg

There is a big difference. You’ve got to dig a little deeper. You gotta sing along. You gotta keep singing. Even when everyone else stops. You may have ambition, you may have a dream, but you are lost until you get really, really lost and then allow yourself to be guided by the light in your heart. Until you are guided by your heart, you’re lost. You have no love.

Puppet Betsy

Amen. Oh, and be nice to Gators. They play a mean trumpet!

GIRLS IN BATHING CAPS FROM THE WATER SKIING PYRAMID WALK INTO JOEY’S BRICKHOUSE

PUPPET GREG GETS UP FROM THE BAR AND WALKS OVER TO THE HOST STAND

HE GRABS A STACK OF MENUS AND SEATS THEM WITH A DUKE, KING AND WHITE FROG

FIREFLIES SWIRL THE TABLE

A JAZZ TRUMPET WAILS

OUT

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12 Responses to The Princess & The Frog

  1. vinVegas says:

    CUT TO

    INTERIOR STATEROOM
    ON THE GOOD SHIP LOLLIPOP

    Vince opens the door and his two daughters run in followed by his wife Deb. Their twenty bags of luggage fill the tiny room. They have never been on a ship before when they were not in a huge sweet.

    VINCE

    OK, I can’t do this.

    DEB

    Just, hold on, we have adjoining room right?

    VINCE

    Yeah, ok.

    CUT TO INTERIOR ADJACENT ROOM.

    Debs head appears as she opens the door. Vince pushes past her, knocking her to the tiny bed. He looks around to reveal another tiny room filled with luggage.

    VINCE

    Where the fuck are we going?

    DEB

    Watch you language. What do you mean?

    VINCE

    We’re on a cruise, why do we need wardrobes and wardrobes and bags and bags. I can’t even stand.

    DEB

    You packed us. No me.

    A SWARM OF FIREFLIES START BANGING ON THE WINDOW TO GET IN.

  2. Gregor says:

    SUDDENLY VINCE, DEB AND THE GIRLS ARE CARTOON CHARACTERS

    THE LUGGAGE STARTS THROWING CLOTHING AT THE HELPLESS FAMILY

    THEY FLEE THE ROOM

    CUT TO THE LIDO DECK (WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS)

    THE BUFFET TABLE BEGINS THROWING FOOD

    THE BAR STARTS PELTING PASSENGERS WITH ICE

    VINCE GRABS A BAT TO SWING AT THE INCOMING ICE CUBES

    HE BEGINS KNOCKING THE ICE CUBES INTO OUTER SPACE

    THEY TURN INTO STARS AND SPARKLE LIKE FIRE WORKS

    SUDDENLY THE LUXURY BOAT IS A RAFT ON THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER

    THERE IS A KING AND A DUKE ON THE RAFT

    THEY ARE HOLDING THE FAMILY HOSTAGE WITH PISTOLS AND SWORDS

  3. vinVegas says:

    AS THE KING AND THE DUKE RAISE THEIR SWORDS,

    The Director, Quintin Terrintino, steps up and screams

    QUINTON

    CUTTTTTTT! Shit cut. That’s it. What the fuck. I give you guys a little fucking hash in my trailer, and your on clowd fucking 9. Get your heads out of the clouds man. C’mon dudes and dudets. We might be making shit fucking up in a movie, but this shit is reality. NOT FUCKING DISNEY!

    QUINTON GOES OVER TO HIS CHAIR, SITS AND TAKES A LONG DRINK OF WATER.

    QUINTON LOOKS OVER TO BRAD PITT, WHO IS PLAYING VINCE

    QUINTON

    Brad, baby, what the fuck man. You knew Angelina was crazy. Let her go brother. Get your head back into the game. Take five, wash your face, drink a Red Bull and lets get it done.

  4. Gregor says:

    CUT TO AN ORPHANAGE

    ANGELINNA IS LOOKING OVER A FEW CHILDREN

    SHE HOLDS UP HER PURSE

    COMPARING IT TO EACH CHILD’S EYES

    SHE SEEMS TO LIKE THE GREEN EYES

    IT OFF SETS NICELY WIHT HER BLUE PURSE

    FIREFLIES SWIRL INTO THE ORPHANAGE

    THE CHILD TURNS INTO BILLY BOB THORNTON

    HE BITCH SLAPS ANGELINA

    QUENTIN TARANTINO WALKS INTO THE ORPHANAGE

    Quentin
    Cut! That’s not how you slap a bitch. This is how you slap a bitch.

    QUENTIN SLAPS THE SHIT OUT OF BILLY BOB THORNTON

    Billy Bob
    Hey, what was that for?

    Quentin
    The Bad News Bears.

  5. Ovi says:

    BILLY BOB

    Oh, c’mon now Qun. That just ain’t right.

    AS BILLY STARTS TO WIPE A TEAR OUT OF HIS EYE, A CAMERA MAN QUIETLY TAKES HIS HEAD PHONES OFF AND RUNS DIRECTLY AT QUENTIN AND BILLY. HE TEARS OPEN HIS SHIRT, SCREAMING

    CAMERA MAN

    ALLLAAHHHHHHH!

    THE CAMERA MAN IGNITES THE BOMB HE HAD BEEN WEARING UNDER HIS SHIT. THE C4 EXPOLOSION IS HUGE, TAKING OUT THE ENTIRE PARAMOUNT STUDIOS.

  6. vinVegas says:

    CUT TO
    INTERIOR CEO OFFICE OF DISNEY

    Robert A. Iger is President and Chief Executive Officer of The Walt Disney Company. He is sitting at his enormous desk watching a 210″ TV as the news unfolds about the bombing at Paramount. In front of his desk are his top team. Everyone is frozen, waiting for his response.

    Iger slowly spins around to face the group.

    IGNER

    Good work. Next, let’s get rid of those Mirimax panzies.

  7. Anonymous says:

    CUT TO
    INTERIOR CEO’S OFFICE AT COLUMBIA PICTURES

    Michael Lynton is the Chairman and CEO of Columiba Pictures.

    MICHAEL IS STANDING AT HIS DESK INFRONT OF A GROUP OF CRAZED EXECUTIVES.

    MICHAEL

    Ok, ok. We all know Rob had Brad Grey killed because he was the CEO of Paramount and they did the Bad News Bears II. He could’s been anywhere on the studio, so they took the whole thing down. Now, what shitty movies have we done that I need to worry about?

  8. BF says:

    How come I don’t understand this blog?

  9. Gregor says:

    to be brutal, to be frank, it went a little nutty. try again next week. we’re reviewing “up in the air.”

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