Set Terror Alert on SNOOZE

I just want to say it’s not terrorizing to ignite a bomb on an airplane. It’s obnoxious. It’s rude. But it’s not terrorizing. We’re used to it. We’re not surprised. Which means it’s not terrorizing. Sorry, but if you want to be a terrorist, if you want to be “terrorizing,” you have to come up with something we don’t expect, on any level. That’s why 9/11 was terrorizing. We didn’t see it coming, we didn’t expect it, on any level. But now, if you want to be a terrorist, if you want to be terrorizing, you have to take it up a notch. Not repeat the same, dumb trick. By the way, it was a dumb trick in New York. It was a dumb trick in Detroit.

Congratulations to the senate for passing health care reform. It’s historic. It deserves to be celebrated. Why is it we’re never happy? Why is it never enough? I get it, I wanted single-payer. I get it, I wanted the public option. I get it, I want what I want when I want it. But that’s not the way it works. That’s never been the way it works. The only time it worked that way was when the country was hijacked. Now that was terrorizing. The election of 2000, and the Supreme Court decision in Bush V. Gore, was terrorizing.

I’m not afraid of idiots on airplanes. I’ll take the bomb, stick it up their ass and cut off their penis to spare the 72 virgins. I’m not afraid of idiots on airplanes. But sneaky politicians, who steal elections, like George W. Bush from Texas and Ahmed-A-Scum-A-Zod from Iran, now those guys are world-class terrorists.

I just want to say we don’t need to make everyone crazy in airports. It’s obnoxious. It’s rude. And clearly, it doesn’t work. I’m tired of taking off my shoes. I’m tired of throwing away my hair gel. It’s expensive buying hair gel every time your plane lands. All airports should have a Jewfro exemption clause. I’m waaaay more afraid of a bad hair day than I am of an Orange Alert.

Congratulations to James Cameron for making “Avatar” worth seeing. Congratulations to Clint Eastwood for making “Invictus” worth seeing. Congratulations to George Clooney for making “Up In The Air” worth seeing. Congratulations to Twizzler for making every movie worth seeing. But whatever movie you see, trust me on this, don’t ride home with Joey. After a movie, when he farts, it’s a Twizzler-Fart…“Twart.”

I just want to say it’s not terrorizing to hate America. It’s obnoxious. It’s rude. But it’s not terrorizing. There’s plenty of Americans who hate America, and for good reason: bankers don’t go to jail for bankrupting the world economy, but petty drug dealers go to jail for selling a dime bag of pot; these same bankers get bonuses while unemployment eats away at the middle class; these same bankers get TARP money and then freeze small business loans while small businesses can’t make payroll, or get new inventory, or even afford to throw a small Christmas Party, or even afford to buy a dime bag of pot to relax their struggling nerves. So yeah, hating America isn’t terrorizing. As a matter of fact, instead of igniting bombs on airplanes or crashing airplanes into buildings, if Al Qaeda really wants to be terrorizing, I suggest moving to America, getting a green card and supporting Dennis Kucinich. That’d be terrorizing to Americans who deserve to be terrorized. Not people in coach. Believe me, if you’re sitting in coach, the legroom is a terrorizing reminder of how little the corporations who currently rule America really think of you.

Congratulations to the 72 virgins who don’t have to schtup another boring martyr. The only thing worse than having sex with a virgin is pillow talk with a martyr. Blah, Blah, Blah, Allah! Hey Osama, I’ll give you 100,000 of my Frequent Flier Miles on 1 condition: you have to ride middle seat in coach.

Now that’s terrorizing.

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0 Responses to Set Terror Alert on SNOOZE

  1. Sharada Hall says:

    so where did you get that jewfro picture? i love it! was that custom made?

  2. Gregor says:

    not custom made. very simple, i do a google image search, once i’m done writing. i search for something silly to underscore a point that really isn’t very important in the first place. underscoring silly makes me happy.

    speaking of happy, from my jewfro to your loooong hippy locks, happy new year!

  3. Teri Reedy says:

    I always enjoy the honesty and strength in your words. I’m a huge fan of the show and I’m diggin the new website. This blog says what alot of others are afraid to say…Thank you, for ALL that you do.
    And I’m more afraid of a dude in a “Tap Out’ jacket than an Orange Alert.
    Rock On

  4. Babs says:

    We the People are our own best defense for all things good in this country! We will have to save ourselves on airplanes, on health care, on environmental concerns, and all things good for this wonderful country of ours. which also means knowing who your voting for. Be an educated voter, folks!

  5. Gregor says:

    thank you, teri. although i must confess i have no idea what you mean by “tap out” jacket. unless it’s allah tapping a loser on the jacket to say, “hey, do something really pointless, like kill yourself in my name, and i’ll give you something you were never able to get on earth: a piece of ass.” you’d think allah has better job prospects. being the webmaster of match.com in the afterlife seems beneath allah. although, this is a recession which reaches across the universe.

  6. Gregor says:

    i’m gonna toot my own horn: i voted for rich whitney, the green party candidate. just couldn’t bring myself to vote for rod blagojevich. i’m done voting like i’m at the horse track. i’m not in the voting booth to pick a winner. i’m in the voting booth to pick a mensch. right, babs?

  7. Scott says:

    Great reading, great writing and all of it is so true! Have you thought about running for elected office? You might actually get elected in Chicago. Surprisingly, CA in general (LGB specifically), while “blue” is only slightly so and actually on the right side of what is really center (you don’t think “centrist” Dems are really center, do you?). Keep up the good fight, Morelli. Sorry I can’t join you NYE…Sounds like a blast but I worry about your liability?! There are too many morons that will drink all, drive and blame you.

  8. jojo says:

    Dave Letterman wrapped up BHO’s election and The Comedy Channel is more powerful than Santa & Jesus combined. Stay the course as a radio power my brother.

  9. Gregor says:

    running for office is certainly a fun thought. certainly for the 3rd act of my life. stay tuned…

  10. Gregor says:

    i love being on the radio. i have every intention of staying the course until howard stern passes me the baton. at which point, i’d drop it and run for governor.

  11. vinnie says:

    i ate about forty twizzlers and it was a foggy night.

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