I’m coming out in favor of Tiger’s wood. I’m coming out against couples who don’t have sex. I’m coming out against New York. I’m coming out against Maine. I’m coming out against anyone who voted for Prop8. In my world, anyone who voted for Prop 8, and is married, should automatically have their marriage annulled, by law. Gregor’s Law. I’m coming out in favor of Tiger’s wood.
I’m coming out in favor of Obama’s surge. I’m coming out against adults who are afraid to dither. I’m coming out against Michael Moore. I’m coming out against Jesse Ventura. I’m coming out against anyone who was against the surge in Afghanistan before the President spoke at West Point, and then, within an hour, went on Larry King Live to let everyone know they were (drum roll please) AGAINST the surge. Take a little time. Take it in. Take a little more time. Take it in further. Think. Dither. I’m coming out in favor of Obama’s surge.
I’m coming out in favor of the pretentious couple who crashed the white house. I’m coming out against Reality TV. I’m coming out against fame obsessed douche bags who want to be famous, but don’t know why. Like the idiot who shot John Lennon. By the way, that should be the name on his tombstone: The Idiot Who Shot John Lennon. If you want to be famous, earn it, work for it, sacrifice to be great at something, like Tiger Woods. I want to thank Tiger Woods for NOT speaking out. It’s such a relief to NOT hear someone explain what’s no ones damn business in the first place. I don’t even want to hear why the pretentious couple thought crashing the white house was okay. I know why. Here’s why: because unlike the previous president, this president is someone who everyone the world over wants to be near. He’s exciting. He’s accomplished. For God’s sake, look who he married. I’m coming out in favor of the pretentious couple who crashed the white house.
I’m coming out in favor of the public option. I’m coming out in favor of triggers. I’m coming out in favor of any bill that makes it to the president’s desk, just to be able to say Na-Ne-Na-Ne-Boo-Boo to Joe Lieberman. I’m coming out against anyone who has universal health care, but, when it comes to the rest of us, votes against universal health care. It’s like Elliot Spitzer putting people in jail for having sex with whores while he was having sex with whores. Gregor’s Law doesn’t cover hypocrites. Anyone who votes against health care for all should have their coverage annulled. By the way, Elliot Spitzer should be in jail, not on MSNBC. As long as we’re talking about jail, for a second here, let me just say this: I don’t care about Amanda Knox, but I do care about Mumia Abu Jamal. Back to health care, which is a hard thing to get back to with all these distractions in the news. I’m coming out in favor of the public option being the public’s option because health care is a human right, and health insurance companies who are lobbying against health care reform should have swine flu injected into their coffee: mmmmm, deep roasted Swine Brew with milk and Splenda.
I’m coming out in favor of Unity Non-Denominational Temple in Oak Park. Last night, in a room designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, real intelligent design, I had the honor of working an event put together by Harvey Wells and WCPT. Bill Press Spoke. Stephanie Miller spoke. But even more exciting, Dick Day spoke: he was local and live on the stage with nationally syndicated progressive voices. Shout out to Karl, for running around Oak Park when we ran out of cheesy noodles; shout out to JenJen and Hannah for pouring drinks with a clear shot of your cleavage; shout out to Joe McArdle, Melissa Ryzy, Kevin Clark and Okinawa Mike. Last night, in a room designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, a room where, sadly, Tiger Woods could get re-married but gay men and women in the state of Illinois still cannot, I had the honor of watching Brutally Frank serve drinks while my brother Joey cooked cheesy noodles side-by-side with Harvey Wells. Now that’s what I call Non-Denominational Unity: a knucklehead and meshuggener…I’m not saying which is which. Thanks to everyone, last night, who came out.